How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation

Man with his arm's outretched on the shore at sunset, Lorraine Pentello, Somatic Sex Therapy, Melbourne
Photo by Ali Naderi

If you’re struggling with premature ejaculation you’ve probably done a google search and found a bewildering amount of sex gurus, coaches and medical companies often with contradictory advice. It can be difficult to know which way to turn. Some of these methods are band-aid solutions, some don’t work at all and some are even dangerous!

After working with hundreds of cases of premature ejaculation, I’ve seen what works and heard (sometimes awful) stories of what didn’t!

One thing that should put your mind at ease is that premature ejaculation is not a disease and doesn’t require medication to treat it. It is actually caused by stress, sexual habits and inexperience (read this article to find out more).

Here are some of the most effective approaches I have found for treating it…

Calming Stress

In order to calm the stress in your body, first you have to fine tune your awareness of what is happening in your body. This is called embodiment.

By paying close attention to bodily sensations at different stages of the stress cycle we can learn to interrupt and even soothe it.

Most people get so caught up in the moment that they often don’t notice that they’re holding their breath or clenching their pelvic floor muscles. This can happen in stressful situations as well as during sexual arousal.

When you focus on how your body feels, you're more likely to notice these often unconscious physical responses and patterns. You can then use techniques such as slow breathing and muscle relaxation to help you slow down your ejaculation and also help you feel calmer in all kinds of stressful situations, not only sexual.

Learning this stuff can be tricky. So if it feels overwhelming I recommend finding a good therapist, intimacy coach or bodyworker that can help you.

It is important to make sure that your practitioner is sex positive. Even if the source of your stress isn’t of a sexual nature, it’s affecting your sex life now, so you should feel safe discussing it without fear of shame and embarrassment.

If there’s trauma in your history, make sure they are trauma informed too.

Making lifestyle changes such as meditation, regular exercise, spending time in nature, healthy eating and talking with a trusted other can also lower your baseline stress level.

Changing Masturbation Habits

How you masturbate effects how you have sex. So even if your ejaculation problem is rooted in stress, it can also be useful to take into account how you’re jerking off and experiment with something new.

The technique I find to be the most powerful is mindful masturbation. It's what I teach to all of my clients and I’ve seen it work time and time again.

It involves slowing everything down; your breathing, your strokes and increasing how long you masturbate for. I find that this method is excellent for slowing down ejaculation and also for calming stress and intensifying pleasure sensations.

Edging is also a popular technique which you’ve likely heard about already. It involves getting close to ejaculation then stopping just before it happens.

It can be used during sex or masturbation and can help to incrementally increase how long you last. Mixing edging with mindful masturbation can be a real game changer.

Once you’ve learned how to slow down ejaculation, continuing with these techniques will actually help you to learn how to have multiple and full-body orgasms!

Changing How You Watch Porn

Masturbating to porn could seem quite harmless, but can wreak havoc on your sex life. It can tune you out of your body, and as I said previously, having awareness of your body is important in controlling your ejaculation.

Some people find that limiting or changing how often they use porn can help. Others need to quit using it altogether. In this case 21 days should be a sufficient time to ‘detox’ and allow your nervous system time to process the changes.

Be aware I’m not talking about NoFap, so by all means wank away!

Joseph Kramer. PhD, the founder of Sexological Bodywork, suggests that Porn Yoga is a healthier way of watching porn. This is a technique that combines watching porn with mindful masturbation. Just to be clear this isn’t watching porn where people are doing yoga. That’s another thing entirely!

Releasing Habitual Pelvic Floor Tension

Often we clench and flex our pelvic floor muscles unconsciously and this can lead to fast ejaculation.

Learning how to relax, clench and flex your pelvic floor muscles with awareness can not only help you to slow down your ejaculation, but increase pleasure sensations. When combined with mindful masturbation it can even lead to intentional dry orgasms where there isn’t any ejaculation at all, but lots of pleasure!

Pelvic exercises are really useful and necessary for healthy pelvic function, but they also need to be used with care. As with any strenuous exercise, overdoing it can cause more harm than good, so go gently. You don’t want to rupture anything down there!

Conclusion

In my practice I teach all of the techniques mentioned and I have witnessed hundreds of success stories.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with all this information and how to put it into practice, then find a Sexological Bodyworker or Somatic Sex Coach to help you.

Learning to slow down your ejaculation will enrich your sex life and will give you skills that can even improve your quality of life in general!

This stuff works! Give it a try, what do you have to lose?

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